I am a person that has experienced death way too many times for my twenty-
five years on this earth. It is safe to say funerals are not for me neither is crying
or feeling helpless.
Those were the feelings I’ve felt through the years; I’ve always been a person
that questions everything and hoping to see the positive side of a situation.
Having to have that core factor of yourself stripped and ripped apart by the loss
of someone felt like an out-of-body experience, not the kind where you get to
see your future or anything like that.
The feeling of looking at yourself from the outside and all you see are the
fragments of your being slowly breaking with no way of repairing it. The loss of
someone that was literally the one that holds you up is the absolute worst.
A parent. The definition of a parent is a guardian; someone that takes care of
you, guides you through life but in that definition, it never states how you are
meant to deal with that parent not being able to do those things anymore.
Throughout my life I have always known one common fact, everything happens
for a reason. Would I really be human if I disagree with that notion at times?
There’s a reason for everything, yes, but that reason sometimes hinders a
person’s ability to breathe or wanting to at times. It’s a hard truth but it is a
feeling I often felt when the loss happened and honestly, still feel.
Nothing, although I often think it does, nothing fills the emptiness you feel
knowing that all the things you achieve in life, that person is never going to be
able to see it but there’s a higher being that I believe in that somewhat reassures
Yes, I won’t lie I got angry at him and I sometimes still do but I know that he is
with those that I’ve lost, and they are looking down at me. My religion… my
faith, has been one of the things that have helped me deal but it could only go so
Depression and anxiety have been things that I have to deal with. Life after
death is not fair, having to deal with the death of someone or more than one
person is not fair.
Sometimes I wish there was a time machine that I could use but I also know if
that were real it wouldn’t change anything really. Life is about growth and
shaping yourself within the circumstances given.
Have I grown over the years of losing multiple people who have impacted my
life? I believe I have. Am I more determined to make something of myself to
make them proud? That’s not even a question, that will definitely happen.
So, here’s the thing I’ve learned: death and the life that is left behind is exactly
that. Death is an experience no one likes but you lived, I lived, and I know it is
in my best interest and there’s that I live it to the fullest until we meet again.
By Deanna Tuitt